Mortal Kombat Konquest: The Worst ReKuest Ever

Let me just say, I'm considering taking requests off the table after this one. This is bad. Really bad. Bad enough that it took me around eight months to sit through 22 episodes. I had to mentally prepare myself (with liquor) before each one just to be able to sit through them. And even with that, I had to pause quite often just so I could keep my rage in check.

First of all, out of respect for the franchise, something which this show has none of, I'm going to call it Mortal Kombat Konquest. Yes with a K in Konquest because that's the way Mortal Kombat works. It's a slap in the face not to spell it that way. Any fan will tell you that. But enough about the grammar. Let's get on with it.

Note: I don't expect anyone reading this review to actually watch this shitfest, so I'm going to totally throw the no spoilers rule out the window, mostly for comedic purposes.

Konquest is a prequel to everything we've seen in the games. For the most part it's the tale of Kung Lao's ancestor Kung Lao (confusing much?) who defeated Shang Tsung (yes, that Shang Tsung) in Mortal Kombat. Once Lao spares Tsung's life, Shao Khan imprisons Tsung in a place called the cobalt mines.

Herein lies the first real problem of this show; the fact that the plot occurs 500 years before the games happen mean that most of the characters we know and love haven't been born yet, thus limiting your cast list and making your shitty ass writers come up with bland nobody characters to fill out something that isn't meant to be any more that a pointless character backstory.

The cast consists entirely of b-movie actors, and they make that quite obvious. Their performances are pretty bad. Not the worst I've seen, but pretty bad. I'd say somewhere in between bad porn parodies and The Room.

Once I finished the overly bloated pilot episode I realized that the show's format was quite familiar to me... A villain in a far away place sends 'powerful' enemies to hour hero's location to attempt and defeat him. At first the hero struggles, and then he finds a way to overcome, learning some moral or ethical lesson along the way. In other words, I'm watching the fucking Power Rangers.

I just want you to picture it; a room full of TV executives at TNT in the 90's pitching the idea of an adult oriented version of the Power Rangers based on a successful video game franchise. On paper, it actually sounds like something I'd sit down and watch. But what we got is one of the biggest loads of crap  I've ever seen. And honestly, once you finish the season you can actually see the story that they were going for, and as a whole, it's not terrible... But the production is just so bad that nothing can make up for it.

For starters, the sets are horrendous. Generic no name places that never give the viewer a clue of what's going on. These places could be anywhere on the planet. This really messes with the viewer's head, because in the MK universe everyone has a background that helps you relate to them. You know where they come from, and it's an essential part of knowing what to expect from their character.

Speaking of characters, Kung Lao can't just go around doing shit by himself. That might just be too interesting. So he gets crappy companions. We get Taja, a former thief who for little or no reason whatsoever decides to aid Kung Lao in his preparation for the battle to save the Earth. And the we have Siro, without a doubt the most annoying character I've has the displeasure of watching. Siro is there for the sole reason of making Kung Lao look good. He gets his ass kicked, and then Kung Lao saves his ass. This happens at least once an episode. Then we have the thunder god Raiden, who instead of being wise and powerful is a snarky asshole who shows up whenever he feels like it. Raiden is totally useless as a character and for the most part is just there for name value, and he pretty much fails at that too.

On the villains side of things we obviously have Shang Tsung, who might just be the most bearable character on the show. He tends to overact a bit, but that seems to be the norm on this show. He is joined in the cobalt mines by Vorpax, the only original character to show some progression during the story. And of course we have Shao Khan, who much like in the games does very little up until the end, where he gives the viewer the most satisfying moment in the whole show. And by that I mean that he totally kills off just about every character.

The enemies for the most part are totally misused. Konquest makes the huge mistake of throwing out the biggest characters right from the start. By that I mean that both Scorpion and Sub-Zero are defeated by the second episode of the show. I understand trying to get quick ratings, but this is absurd. Major character like Rain, Reptile, Smoke and Noob Saibot get thrown around like nobodies, and they usually get defeated in one episode just because they needed a fight scene. This is probably due to the short list of characters that were around 500 years before the actual story. It feels like they didn't really think the plot through, and they probably didn't.

But my biggest gripe is without a doubt the music. Remember the horrible yet slightly catchy techno theme from the movies? Of course you do. One of the reasons it almost kinda worked was that we only had to hear it once or twice in a 90 minute movie. On Konquest we get a shittier copy of it, not catchy at all and we hear it every six minutes. The worst part is that it's used no matter what. A scene comes to mind where Siro is hobbling around after he got his ass kicked (not surprising), a scene that's supposed to be somewhat saddening, and the whole time we get shitty upbeat techno music, which makes no sense even for this show.

The worst part is how often the show seems to contradict itself. If Kung Lao beat Shang Tsung to become Mortal Kombat champion in the opening moments of the pilot episode, it means he is the strongest mortal warrior there is. If so, why does he constantly get his ass handed to him by other fighters throughout the series? Why does he need Siro's help to defeat Sub-Zero, Reptile, Rain, Noob Saibot, and a handful of meaningless fighters. It just makes no sense, you discredit your own sorylines.

Thankfully, this crap got cancelled after the first season wrapped filming. I assume it happened once Ted Turner realized that no matter how much hype WCW Nitro gave this steaming pile of garbage everyone was going to change the channel as soon as they got their wrestling fix. To my joy, the show ends by putting all those annoying characters out of their misery when Shao Khan has them all killed. But of course, even this doesn't make sense because even Shang Tsung who is supposed to live on to fight Liu Kang in 500 years gets killed off. The only surviving character ends is Raiden who ends the show at Khan's mercy. While the ending is slightly interesting, it doesn't make me want to watch more... Please no more.

I'm glad to be done with this. It took me forever. And finally and mercifully, it's over. I do not, I repeat, do not recommend you watch this under any circumstances.

1.5/10