Mortal Kombat Konquest: The Worst ReKuest Ever

Let me just say, I'm considering taking requests off the table after this one. This is bad. Really bad. Bad enough that it took me around eight months to sit through 22 episodes. I had to mentally prepare myself (with liquor) before each one just to be able to sit through them. And even with that, I had to pause quite often just so I could keep my rage in check.

First of all, out of respect for the franchise, something which this show has none of, I'm going to call it Mortal Kombat Konquest. Yes with a K in Konquest because that's the way Mortal Kombat works. It's a slap in the face not to spell it that way. Any fan will tell you that. But enough about the grammar. Let's get on with it.

Note: I don't expect anyone reading this review to actually watch this shitfest, so I'm going to totally throw the no spoilers rule out the window, mostly for comedic purposes.

Konquest is a prequel to everything we've seen in the games. For the most part it's the tale of Kung Lao's ancestor Kung Lao (confusing much?) who defeated Shang Tsung (yes, that Shang Tsung) in Mortal Kombat. Once Lao spares Tsung's life, Shao Khan imprisons Tsung in a place called the cobalt mines.

Herein lies the first real problem of this show; the fact that the plot occurs 500 years before the games happen mean that most of the characters we know and love haven't been born yet, thus limiting your cast list and making your shitty ass writers come up with bland nobody characters to fill out something that isn't meant to be any more that a pointless character backstory.

The cast consists entirely of b-movie actors, and they make that quite obvious. Their performances are pretty bad. Not the worst I've seen, but pretty bad. I'd say somewhere in between bad porn parodies and The Room.

Once I finished the overly bloated pilot episode I realized that the show's format was quite familiar to me... A villain in a far away place sends 'powerful' enemies to hour hero's location to attempt and defeat him. At first the hero struggles, and then he finds a way to overcome, learning some moral or ethical lesson along the way. In other words, I'm watching the fucking Power Rangers.

I just want you to picture it; a room full of TV executives at TNT in the 90's pitching the idea of an adult oriented version of the Power Rangers based on a successful video game franchise. On paper, it actually sounds like something I'd sit down and watch. But what we got is one of the biggest loads of crap  I've ever seen. And honestly, once you finish the season you can actually see the story that they were going for, and as a whole, it's not terrible... But the production is just so bad that nothing can make up for it.

For starters, the sets are horrendous. Generic no name places that never give the viewer a clue of what's going on. These places could be anywhere on the planet. This really messes with the viewer's head, because in the MK universe everyone has a background that helps you relate to them. You know where they come from, and it's an essential part of knowing what to expect from their character.

Speaking of characters, Kung Lao can't just go around doing shit by himself. That might just be too interesting. So he gets crappy companions. We get Taja, a former thief who for little or no reason whatsoever decides to aid Kung Lao in his preparation for the battle to save the Earth. And the we have Siro, without a doubt the most annoying character I've has the displeasure of watching. Siro is there for the sole reason of making Kung Lao look good. He gets his ass kicked, and then Kung Lao saves his ass. This happens at least once an episode. Then we have the thunder god Raiden, who instead of being wise and powerful is a snarky asshole who shows up whenever he feels like it. Raiden is totally useless as a character and for the most part is just there for name value, and he pretty much fails at that too.

On the villains side of things we obviously have Shang Tsung, who might just be the most bearable character on the show. He tends to overact a bit, but that seems to be the norm on this show. He is joined in the cobalt mines by Vorpax, the only original character to show some progression during the story. And of course we have Shao Khan, who much like in the games does very little up until the end, where he gives the viewer the most satisfying moment in the whole show. And by that I mean that he totally kills off just about every character.

The enemies for the most part are totally misused. Konquest makes the huge mistake of throwing out the biggest characters right from the start. By that I mean that both Scorpion and Sub-Zero are defeated by the second episode of the show. I understand trying to get quick ratings, but this is absurd. Major character like Rain, Reptile, Smoke and Noob Saibot get thrown around like nobodies, and they usually get defeated in one episode just because they needed a fight scene. This is probably due to the short list of characters that were around 500 years before the actual story. It feels like they didn't really think the plot through, and they probably didn't.

But my biggest gripe is without a doubt the music. Remember the horrible yet slightly catchy techno theme from the movies? Of course you do. One of the reasons it almost kinda worked was that we only had to hear it once or twice in a 90 minute movie. On Konquest we get a shittier copy of it, not catchy at all and we hear it every six minutes. The worst part is that it's used no matter what. A scene comes to mind where Siro is hobbling around after he got his ass kicked (not surprising), a scene that's supposed to be somewhat saddening, and the whole time we get shitty upbeat techno music, which makes no sense even for this show.

The worst part is how often the show seems to contradict itself. If Kung Lao beat Shang Tsung to become Mortal Kombat champion in the opening moments of the pilot episode, it means he is the strongest mortal warrior there is. If so, why does he constantly get his ass handed to him by other fighters throughout the series? Why does he need Siro's help to defeat Sub-Zero, Reptile, Rain, Noob Saibot, and a handful of meaningless fighters. It just makes no sense, you discredit your own sorylines.

Thankfully, this crap got cancelled after the first season wrapped filming. I assume it happened once Ted Turner realized that no matter how much hype WCW Nitro gave this steaming pile of garbage everyone was going to change the channel as soon as they got their wrestling fix. To my joy, the show ends by putting all those annoying characters out of their misery when Shao Khan has them all killed. But of course, even this doesn't make sense because even Shang Tsung who is supposed to live on to fight Liu Kang in 500 years gets killed off. The only surviving character ends is Raiden who ends the show at Khan's mercy. While the ending is slightly interesting, it doesn't make me want to watch more... Please no more.

I'm glad to be done with this. It took me forever. And finally and mercifully, it's over. I do not, I repeat, do not recommend you watch this under any circumstances.

1.5/10

Top 10 video games of 2011

You know, this was originally going to be a top five, but when I sat down to think about it there were just too many great games to just include five. Keep in mind, these are only the games I've played, and I tend to swing in the Sony direction. So no, I haven't played Skyward Sword; I haven't played Gears Of War 3, and I'm never going to play the Halo remake (because I've never liked Halo), so there. Also, and this might turn some heads, I will point out once again, that I don't like first person shooters. So no, no Modern Warfare 3, and no Battlefield 3 on here either. Sorry fanboys.


2011 was an amazing year for games. As the industry grows developers seem to be smartening up to what works and what doesn't. Games have been refined to a point where It's no surprise that I'm ashamed to say that all the games on my list are sequels or remakes. It just seems like the only great new game that came out in 2011 is LA Noir, and I just haven't gotten around to playing it. But enough lollygagging, let's get to it:

10- Assassin's Creed: Revelations

I'll be the first to say, this game almost didn't make this list (I just couldn't think of anything else to put on here). AC: Revelations is a good game, had Ubisoft dedicated a bit more to making it different from it's predecessor, it might have been a great game. Unfortunately, their 'one game a year' schedule for this franchise didn't seem to give them enough time to develop new ideas for such an interesting IP.



9- Pokémon Black/White Version

I can almost see the look of shock on your face, but the truth is, these games work. Pokémon has been around for a good while now, and it's going strong with it's formula gameplay and just enough innovation to keep fans coming back for more. And I'm guilty of it, and I'm not at all ashamed of it.

While a seeming lack of support after release hindered it's impact this year, B&W is a solid installment. If only we got as many 'events' as we did for the previous games it would have been much bigger. This probably meas we're getting the inevitable Gray version, probably for the 3DS  pretty soon.



8- Mortal Kombat

That's right, it's back. And to say it's back with a vengeance would be quite the understatement. Without a doubt the best fighting game in 2011, and maybe the best ever. MK has gone back to it's roots, the over the top gore will keep you koming back for more.

It also helps that it's been getting konstant support via downloadable kontent, even pleasing fans by letting us mutilate foes as Freddy Krueger.

On top of the regular Arkade version, you get tons and tons of gameplay modes that will keep you playing for months and months, and you also add the most komprehensive story mode in fighting game history. You actually get to play through the stories from the original MK all the way to MK3. They might have not intended to, but they also made the best Mortal Kombat movie that they could make.



7- inFamous 2

This is the prime example of how a sequel can vastly improve on the original. Like I said in my review, the only real thing that hinders this sequel is that whole morality system that keeps the main character kinda bland. But besides that, both sides of the story have good moments, and the side missions are enjoyable at best. It's difficult to make a sandbox game like this and keep it fresh throughout, and Sucker Punch improved everything that they needed to. Here's to hoping the eventual third installment keeps it rolling in the right direction.



6- Mass Effect 2

Yeah, this is borderline cheating, but fuck you. ME2 came out in 2010, but the definitive (PS3) version came out in June, so I win.

This game seamlessly blends a bunch of gameplay styles perfectly. I mean, there's a reason why it's one of the most acclaimed games two years straight. And the sequel might just be the most anticipated game of 2012.

From shooting segments, to RPG elements and even social interactions are dissected in a vibrant, interesting world which you get to explore at will.



5- Dead Space 2

Scary games are becoming more and more of a rarity these days. Dead Space is one of the few ones that can accomplish fear without limiting the player in certain ways. The things Isaac goes through are visceral and terrifying, yet beautiful in their gruesomeness.

In an industry where if it ain't broke don't fix it just doesn't cut it anymore, DS2 did very little to their formula; this is proof that a tweak of the mechanics, and a little spice to the story goes a hell of a long way. It also doesn't hurt that they abandoned the silent protagonist thing that so many people seem to love doing these days.


- I would like to point out that this is where this list got difficult. Out of the top four games, any one of them could have taken up the top spot.



4- Portal 2

The geniuses at Valve keep proving that games don't need to be overly complicated in order to be successful. Portal 2 is nothing short of brilliant. But it's brilliance comes from how simple it is. At it's core it's nothing more than an amazing puzzle game.

And then you add such a simple yet amazing story. On top of that it's told by nothing more than three speaking characters, one of them speaking from the grave. Yes, they do use the whole silent protagonist thing, but in this case the game is so full of banter that it doesn't really matter. Before the original Portal the concept of a puzzle game with a storyline was just about unheard of. Much less  one that makes you laugh out of fear this much.

On top of adding a second part to the story, Portal 2 adds a couple of things, but it makes them count. The simple addition of liquids to the gameplay changed everything. When something as simple as liquids have this big an impact on a game, you know someone is doing something right.

The other big addition was co-op. But this isn't a couple of co-op levels, that just wouldn't do; this is co-op done right. Getting it's own storyline, it consists of half of the game, if not more. It might not be the longest game in the world, but it's enjoyable no matter how many times you play it.


3- Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception

Being a sequel to 2009's game of the year is quite a lot of pressure, but Uncharted 3 took it in stride and actually surpassed it in several aspects. Naughty Dog have developed quite the knack for delivering brilliantly cinematic sequences at every turn that keep you hooked into a truly tantalizing story. They're also known for outmatching every game out there in sheer production value.

Unfortunately, there are a couple of key areas where I find Among Thieves was more polished. The shooting in this third installment doesn't seem as precise or crisp this time around. This could be due to some changes in the mechanics of the game, and it's not much of an issue, it just takes some getting used to. On top of that, U2 had Zoran Lazarević, a well developed antagonist, and U3 didn't seem to have the same caliber bad guys for Drake to contend with.

Again, Drake's Deception is a spectacular game. Had it not been for my nitpicking and some stiff competition, this game could very well be game of the year as well. But I do believe that Uncharted 2 is the better game of the franchise, and that cost it.


2- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

I can almost hear the dozens of you yelling at your monitors. That's right, Skyrim isn't number one. But if there ever was a close decision, this was it.

Around five hours into my Skyrim experience I openly stated that Bethesda had successfully created the quintessential RPG experience of our generation. I never thought I'd say that about a game, but there's no doubt in my mind.

I've always loved it when games bring a map along with the booklet, almost gloating that you 'might get lost' in their world. Well Skyrim does that because you will get lost multiple times. I've been playing it since launch, and there is no area inaccessible in this world, and there's so much to explore. It really can't be explained, you need to play it for yourself.

The other aspects of the game are also great. Everything is as polished as it's going to get with a game this big. Sure it has it's bugs, but that's to be expected; minor issues that should be fixed with patches before you know it.

Skyrim game is a landmark for the industry, I'm having a blast playing it and I don't plan on being done with it for a long time. But as much as I love it, as a fanboy nothing this year gave me more joy than...


1- Duke Nukem Forever
    Batman: Arkam City

I can't pick against Batman. I mean... He's Batman... The Goddamn Batman. Any person who didn't pick this as game of the year isn't a big enough Batman fan.

Like I said in my review, Arkham City has changed what a superhero based game needs to be. It set the bar as high as Nolan did for superhero movies, and it might as well might have set it higher.

The story couldn't be more perfect either. From the banter you pick off of common street thugs, to the twist and surprise appearance of well known and the most obscure of villains. Without spoiling anything, any villain could and probably is in this game. The surprises are endless. And the tiny references will keep even the most hardcore of fans marking out.

Being The Dark Knight is fun. Hovering over Gotham is fun. And you get to do it all, and feel like a total badass doing it. It's a thing of beauty. They have upped the standard for all other games, and I look forward to other companies trying to meet this new standard. If they do try, it should be a great year for games.