Weekly wRant!! "About sausages and buns"

From the title you might think that I'm going to talk about something perverted (I could only hope for so much), but in reality I got the bizzare request to talk about an uneven cruelty in our lives. A devastating acurance that has killed many defenseless bbq's. The tale of the 8 Hot Dog pack and the 10 Hot Dog Bun Pack. 


This may sound silly now, but how many times have you been at a get together or party and realized that there will always be those lonely buns that will never get a chance to be digested. They have to succumb to countless days of lounging in the back of a cupboard, to rot and be forgotten. 


Imagine it this way: You are at said party and you are the 9th wheel. How would you feel? That's why I am starting a protest! We must save those depressed wallflowers and rid them of their wheelness! (Ahem!) Ok I steered away from the subject at hand, but the truth of the matter is that everyone needs a sausage... No wait... a com-pa-nion (riiight). In a universe where flawed objects are dismissed it's time these delicious buns get their chance! So, I encourage you fellow readers that the next time you set out to have a scrumptious Frank,actually have a Frank! They are healthier, taste better and come in packets of... Wait... WHAT??!!! 12??!! Packets of twelve??!!! MOTHER FUCKER!!

Chiko can rant too: When did children start deciding what Mainstream is?

It’s been on my mind for years now… This whole bizarre phenomenon that started with music and TV. These days we have Justin Bieber… But it’s been going on for a while now. Somehow 8-14 year olds end up deciding what music becomes popular, and to me, it makes absolutely no sense at all.

Sure as hell not the voice of my generation.

To be brutally honest, I blame Disney. Somehow they’ve found a formula where they put a musically oriented show on TV, produce it’s own music, and put it out there. It sounds pathetic, but it works. They’ve easily made billions (with a B) off of this plan. This has become the norm, to the point where I’m legitimately surprised at how many networks have shows revolving around musical acts. Channels like Nickelodeon have wholeheartedly jumped on the bandwagon.

I mean seriously, lets run down the “memorable” ones: Hilary Duff, her sister, The Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, Miranda Cosgrove, Miley Cyrus… At this point I lose count. I'm amazed to say that some of these acts are just so generic that they make the boybands look like Zep by comparison.

Also, I blame this “anyone can sing” trend for being the cause of people like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian suddenly deciding to put out songs or whole albums. This whole “so easy a caveman can do it” attitude is killing music faster than the internet.

"Oh yeah, my first single drops on iTunes next week."

Speaking of the internet. If we need proof that this phenomenon has reached an all time low, you need look no further than Rebecca Black. The fact that this little girl became such a viral hit dumbfounds me. The fact that she's such a (and I use this term as loosely as possible) hit proves that we have decided to reward the shitty with some sort of fame, and that seems totally ridiculous, at least to me.

I remember the days where mainstream music was actually decided by people above the age of fourteen. You needed to at least be slightly edgy to be recognized. When I bought my copy of Enema Of The State I did it not only because the album is awesome (STFU it is and you know it!), but because it felt cool, everyone who was older and cooler than me was listening to it, and of course, it grew on me.

Poop jokes and porn stars. Those were the days.

Then again, I might just blame that douche Simon Cowell for making American Idol, a show that in ten seasons has made one legit star. The fans seem blind to it, but in all honesty, has anyone other than Kelly Clarkson (not counting that other douche Ryan Seacrest) ever done anything significant after being in a black hole of a television show.

Okay, back on subject... What’s going on with youth today? And even worse… What’s up with teenagers? And seriously… People my age, listening to Justin Bieber, watching Hannah Montana… What the fuck is wrong with you people!? It makes no sense. Since when is music for infants hip? (did I just write the word hip?)

I’m just saying… If music needs a whole daily half hour on TV to advertise… It’s probably not that good.

Loz Rants #1: Boxing.

"The Sweet Science" has a long and fantastic history. It has ingrained itself in the pop culture collective of the world. Whether you remember characters like Muhammed Ali, Mike Tyson, George Foreman, more recent pugilists like Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Oscar de la Hoya, or commentators like Larry Merchant and even the world's most recognizable promoter Don King, you remember it. Being a Puerto Rican through and through, I grew up watching boxing. I am not old enough to remember some of the biggest fighters of yore (only through film), but I still remember where I was when I saw Oscar de la Hoya lose to Tito Trinidad. What I'm trying to say before I begin my rant is that I like boxing. I enjoy the spectacle and most of all the 'science' behind it all. Or at least, I used to enjoy it.

Because to me, boxing is pretty much on its last leg.

Purists must be screaming at their monitors right now but if they calmed down a little bit and looked at the state of boxing in the world today, they would be hard pressed to say differently. So I will make a little list to enumerate the things that I think are causing boxing's slow and painful death.

-Too many IBFs and WBOs and whatever the hell they are with too many titles and too many weight divisions.

Who the hell can follow all of these governing bodies and all of these titles? It reminds me of the days of the pro wrestling regions. There are so many champions in the same divisions that it devalues the meaning of holding a title belt. You have a bunch of mediocre champions instead of a 'unified' champion that carries the weight of his (pardon the pun) weight division. The title fights are harder to follow since they happen all the time everywhere in the world with what seems to be no sense or reason. Also, the weight divisions... too many as well. Some of them only have 5 pounds between them... 5 pounds?? They can't make a 5 pound weight cut. Eliminate all the unnecessary weight divisions is what I say.

-Weak heavyweight division.

Gone are the days of Muhammed Ali, Joe Frazie, George Foreman and Sonny Liston. Even Mike Tyson's days are done and gone. So who is there to pick up the slack in the heavyweight division? The Klitschko's? I think not. While there have been amazing boxers in all weight divisions, there is one truism about boxing that really fits any combat sport. You are only as good as your heavyweight division. Sure, Oscar de la Hoya broke the mold in terms of PPV sales, but the truth is that it will never be as huge as a Mike Tyson... and talking about Tyson...

-Weak cards and early finishes.

You remember getting together with your friends and shelling out $10 each in order to be able to get the next Tyson fight. You get there late as you stop to get some pizza for the crew and a couple of brews. As you take the first bite, your bro tells you that the fight is about to start. You turn your back to the TV and then boom... the fight is over. That's ten bucks you'll never see again. This is something that happens all the time in boxing and its something that seriously affects all combat sports. Differently from most mainstream sports that have a strict time limit, a boxing fight can end in ten seconds. But you know what can be done to counteract that... a strong under-card. If you only have one main event and then a couple of up and comers, you have nothing to keep the person who payed $50 interested.

-Padding records.

I don't want to see mediocre fighters who are thrust at me because they have a 30-0 record when they haven't beaten anyone with a record better than 75%. It's fine to get a few fights under the fighter's belt, but 30 fights? Seriously. This way we get less of the crappy one sided fights and more of the well rounded and interesting ones.

-Pay-per-view or HBO... either way we gotta pay.

Sure, ESPN and Fox Sports en Español have recently started to show boxing in free TV, but its never anything really interesting. If you want to see boxing you basically have to pay up. What drives away more young fans than old rock and roller's on Super Bowl halftimes? Having to pay for mainstream sports. Basketball, baseball and football don't have this problem but boxing seems to have become so elitist and corrupt that putting on good fights on free TV is just completely wrong. A nice and interesting fight between contenders ever month on free TV would do wonders to bring about a younger crowd to the dying sport.

Last but not least...

-The surging popularity of MMA as a suitable substitute to boxing.

I can already hear the purists pump out their chests and put on their boxing berets. But it is true. Teenagers and up are becoming bigger fans of MMA because its more accessible, a PPV will almost always be worth the money that is being shelled out and its a more complete test of a person's abilities. I always find it hilarious to hear boxing fans claim that MMA is so much more brutal than boxing. Just because they have bigger gloves and can't throw elbows, knees and kicks doesn't make it more violent. Actually, the total amount of punches a person takes in boxing is much much higher (because of the totality of the rounds and the fact that bigger gloves make it more difficult to knock down a person). Also, you could win a fight in MMA without ever even throwing a punch.

Anyways, I'm getting off point. The fact is that boxing is in a lull that not even Manny Pacquiao can save. I'm not saying all of this because I hate boxing. Not at all. I enjoy it the same way I enjoy MMA and kickboxing. I just can't handle those things I posted above...