Sunday, October 9, 2011

Top Ten Most Horribly Misnamed Bands/Groups

One of the most important thing about starting your new band is the name. It will be what people will eventually chant whenever your are around. It is what will define the members for the rest of their careers with said band. Names are important. Most bands got this. Most bands named their bands according to what genre of music they played. Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax are hard names for hard bands. Coldplay, Maroon 5, and Hoobastank tell you exactly how crap their music really is without having to kill your neurons with their lame ass music.

This list, though, is about the bands that didn't get it. So without further ado, here are the:

Top Ten Most Horribly Misnamed Bands/Groups


10. Smash Mouth

What does it sound like?
It sounds like a New Wave of American Heavy Metal a la Hatebreed. It sounds like music that will grab your face and punch it in while it drinks whiskey and fucks a stripper.

What does it REALLY sound like? If you had images of stripper fucking, whiskey drinking, face punching music..... you better call Phil Anselmo cause this ain't it! In the late 1990's there was a hole in the music business that sucked all good taste and left out all the pop punk, surf rock, whatever bands that we all know. Smash Mouth came on the scene with singles like "Walkin' On The Sun" and "All Star" which showed the world once more that white folks should stop trying to rap. Truth is, everyone that grew up with MTV during this generation would remember the lyrics to their songs. But boy, are they the farthest thing from Mouth Smashing that I could think of.


9. Def Leppard

What does it sound like?
What the hell happened here? What is a Leppard? What does Def mean? Apparently they changed it from the original Deaf Leopard... which is still a terrible name for a band. This sounds like a kid with obvious learning issues wrote it down for them and in they were too high to apply reason.

What does it REALLY sound like? It's very surprising to me that a band with a name like this one could become as big as they did. During the early 1980's the New Wave of British Heavy Metal took the world by storm and at one point, Def Leppard was at the forefront. That is even though they are not metal at all. I read someone at one point call them the love child of Jon Bon Jovi and AC/DC and it seemed like a fitting description... even though the mental image will forever stay with me... In 1983 they released Pyromania and in 1987 Hysteria to popular acclaim. There is not one band that is as catchy as this one. The songs are just memorable even though their name is probably one of the worst in existence.


8. Graveyard

What does it sound like?
The name immediately brings up images of black metal. Emperor, Mayhem and Immortal come to mind.

What does it REALLY sound like? Graveyard is a retro rock/blues band from Sweden (not far off with the black metal thing!). Their style is nothing like the name entails. A band called Dead sounds dark and ominous... The Grateful Dead sounds like it could actually be your friend. Maybe they should have added something to the graveyard to make it feel more like what they sound. Don't get me wrong, I love this band (as you can probably tell by my review of their last album) but they picked a terribly generic name that might turn off prospective fans before giving the music a chance.

7. Young Black Teenagers

What does it sound like?
It sounds like a hip hop group from Compton with politically conscious music that deals with living in the inner city and racism.

What does it REALLY sound like? No. It can't be. This name would be perfectly fine for a 1990's hip hop group. There is just tiny problem. One teeny tiny defect in this thing. THOSE MORONS AREN'T BLACK! Phew... had to get that off my chest. How anyone could think that naming yourself Young Black Teenagers when you are not black was some sort of message is beyond me. It's stupid. You are not black, whitey. Live with it! Also... "Tap the Bottle (Twist the Cap)"... ugh.

6. King Diamond

What does it sound like?
Fuckin' Neil Diamond. Other than that, this sounds like something from the 80's glam metal scene.

What does it REALLY sound like? King Diamond is none other but the painted face vocalist for Mercyful Fate and the band King Diamond. His vocal style can range from the growly to the really high falsetto that is really hard to find anymore. His career has served to give us some of incredible songs and albums, but the name is still the one thing that doesn't seem to fit. Look at his face somewhere and tell me that you see someone named King Diamond somewhere in there. I don't.

5. Strapping Young Lad

What does it sound like?
The name always reminded me of those New Wave-y synthpop groups like Tears for Fears and A Flock of Seagulls.

What does it REALLY sound like? It's definitely not New Wave or synthpop. Not at all. Devin Townsend is known for his wall to wall heavy sound. Strapping Young Lad where a heavy band through and through. While Townsend was always experimenting with different styles and concepts, SYL always kept at its core the sound that made them successful. I guess its the Young Lad part that throws me off, but I'm sure Townsend could have come up with something more creative.

4. House of Pain

What does it sound like?
Metalcore to its oompth degree. It feels like someone is about to get murdered in a mosh pit.

What does it REALLY sound like? Would you believe it if I told you that this is three white boys rapping? Two Irish-Americans (I guess I got the part about fighting right) and a Latvian-American teaming up to.... jump around... I guess. I had to find out why they named themselves like they did and found that it is actually in reference to H.G. Wells' The Island of Dr. Moreau. It still makes absolutely no sense. I guess it could be worse.

3. Extreme

What does it sound like?
German traditional metal fronted by Udo Dirkschneider.

What does it REALLY sound like? I will completely look over the fact that they actually were the reason that the song "More Than Words" exists because otherwise Chiko will get a seizure. Other than that, there is nothing extreme about Extreme's music. Sure, the band has probably one of the most talented guitar virtuosos in Nuno Bettencourt, but this band is not really extreme unless you are talking about their overuse of hair spray, makeup and spandex.

2. The Killers (Tie)

What does it sound like?
It sounds like something from the extreme metal genre. Something hard and violent and intense.

What does it REALLY sound like? As you probably surmised from the picture above, this is nothing like that. If I where to open my dictionary in search for a replacement name for this band, it would be Inane. The Killers are this sort of indie-ish new wave band that asks questions like "Are we human or are we dancer?". Whatever happened to actually interesting questions in music? This is what we get? Also, it seems like lead singer Brandon Flowers is kind of a douche. I guess I should have realized when you hear a song like "Human". Terrible stuff. Also, a waste of a good name for some other band.

2. The Darkness (Tie)

What does it sound like?
This gives me a vibe of a goth or doom band that is incredibly depressed.

What does it REALLY sound like? Nothing like what the name implies. Don't get me wrong, I like The Darkness. These British retro rockers came to the attention of the world in 2003 with their single "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" and the funny music video that accompanied it. What I liked about them was that it was obvious that they were talented, but they weren't taking themselves too seriously with the video and comparisons to bands that came before. Too band they took a name that could have been used by some generic band. There is nothing generic about this band and it deserves a name to go along with it.

1. Slaughter

What does it sound like?
Fuck yeah! This sounds like one of the big dogs of thrash. Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Megadeth, Exodus, Testament and SLAUGHTER!

What does it REALLY sound like? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. A band named Slaughter should be powerful and strong and kickass. Instead, what you have here is the pussiest of the glam rock bands. Pink and lame go hand in hand if you are a member of Slaughter. Probably their biggest hit was the sub par "Up All Night" and that is one of their best songs... you can imagine the rest of this pink colored turd of a band's repertoire. A bunch of whiny and unimaginative power ballads that are better off not remembered.

If you know any other bands or groups that you think are horribly misnamed. Let me know in the comments!

5 comments:

  1. amazing read loz, however i feel tthat you missed out a band, or at least a honourable mention should of gone to: U2 or Blind Melon

    Juvian / Benjamin - greatings from finland

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  2. Hey man! Long time! What the hell are you doing in Finland?? Also, thanks for reading. :)

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  3. Hey! just randomly came across your article when I was posting a similar thread on FB. Your article is spot on and hilarious! My list was only 5 but we agreed on Extreme and House of Pain. I also had Hardline, which is this group of (actually) talented rockers from famous bands from the 80s that got together to sing... wimpy power ballads. And both Savage Garden and Soul Asylum sound like they should be like heavy thrash metal bands, but their sound is like pop or adult contemporary. Your comments on Young Black Teenager had me in tears!

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  4. holy crap the first time i saw the title i knew the first place was slaughter's

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